Tuesday, May 31, 2011

reflecting back ( ch 1 HJ)

This month I am stepping out of the shadows of abuse as I embark on this journey to heal from the abuse I suffered as a child. As I read this it sounds like I am going on a Voyage around the world. But in reality I am. Sorta, As I travel on this journey, I will encounter many ups and downs and rocky seas But I have the Word of God as my foundation. I will encounter turbulent winds to try and knock me down. But I have the strength of Jesus to keep me upright. And I will have flashbacks and dreams to weaken me But Jesus' strength will keep me strong.

The next part of our first assignment we are to read Chapter one of Hidden Joy and make notes highlight and write out scripture we want to remember. Here are my thoughts on what I've read so far,

Chapter one-
On page 18 where Wendy says she wanted to start the day over – I know what she was feeling, there are times when I think back to when the events that changed my life forever happened and wanted to do it again, start over and act different or say something more to more people til someone listened AND DID SOMETHING to stop it.
Between this incident and third grade God was not in my life- consciously any way. Then in third grade he became conscious at least to the point of my knowing facts – like the 10 commandments. But having Jesus in my life daily had not occurred yet. Just enough to know when my mom told me to get on my knees and pray for forgiveness I couldn't do it because that would be lying, but I also had to obey my parents ( even though she was wrong). Talk about conflicting for a child. So I just prayed what she wanted and secretly asked God to forgive me but that he knew what really happened and it wasn't my fault as she had said it was.

Reflections from page 19
Hi school-related
My dreams began shattering in High school, when nothing I said or did mattered. I felt like a walking zombie – just there for the abusers pleasure. AS I saw his shadow that day in the kitchen my spirit,and soul collapsed. If I could have my physical body would have collapsed as well.

AS I think back sometimes I remember saying God must have created me to accomplish something great for him or I would have died when I was abused and beaten. So I think unconsciously I began seeking strength from Him, and He gave it to me as each day dawned. Because I was able to make it second by second minute by minute I thank my heavenly Father.



Monday, May 30, 2011

Chapter two- my first look back

 AS I grew up my mom  had very little interest in my care and I felt like I was all alone. Crying out for someone to help me but I have been unsuccessful until now. For so long the events of my past haunted
me at the most worst times. Now I have a chance to heal and put my past to rest once in for all. AS I step out of the shadows and into Gods healing light

The first assignment was to write a prayer to God as we begin this journey through this study. 
our journey begins the scripture is Psalms 84 :6 “When they walk through the Valley of weeping it will become a place of springs where pools of blessing and refreshment collect after rains.”

AS I reflect on that I feel my “valley of weeping “ began 1st when I was first molested when I was beat as a baby, and has been weeping since. The next time it wept was when I was touched by a family member and my mother didn't believe me leaving me to stand alone in the dark. (literally first dark corner)

Then when she asks in “Our Journey begins” have you asked how can I survive another day – I had to stop and reflect- because there were two days specifically that question came to mind. one day when I was in 2nd or third grade as an innocent child looking and trusting that my mother who was supposed to protect me failed me. My Trust was shattered and I learned I was all alone here.

I had not been introduced to Jesus yet. I was just a little girl looking for protection. And got none.

Melissa's Assignment-
What do you hope to gain through this study? A better understanding of Who God is and where he was during my abuse and how to ask for his help and healing.


What are your doubts about going through this study? 
My doubts are maybe there was nothing I could have done different. 

 Fear? That nothing will change

And my prayer to my Father.

Father God, through this study, I would like to come closer to you then ever before and know and realize that back then when I was a child, I wasn't alone. you were there with me even though I didnt know you then you knew me and longed to be with me. You felt each hit each injustice that was done to me and against me. I felt so alone I wish you could have reached out and held me physically to let me know I wasn't as alone as I felt or better yet taken me back home to be protected and loved again. I'm glad I didn't know you back then to hate you. I am glad I know you now and that you are in my life. Please be with me ( and others) as I walk this path again, this time coming out of the other side healed and victorious in your presence and love. As I write this my heart hurts again like it did then when it happened. But I'm afraid to cry because I fear I wont be able to stop again. Please Father comfort me as I learn from this study how much you love me and want to heal me from these wounds that are still apart of me. Amen