Flash backs

 1st  boy do I have a lot of catching up on this blog to do  when it comes to the  Hidden Joy Bible study. There is a lot more then the 5 chapters,I have here. But I will get  to them because I have been thinking of finishing what I had learned..  Last night however  I bolted straight up out of a sound sleep. When I looked at the clock it was 12 :52. I have no idea what  caused the  night mare  and believe me it was a  night mare. I haven't had a night mare , flash back of bad thought about my abuse  for a while, so when this one hit I was knocked off  guard. The only thing it may have been was  that I watched the last 2 days of the world series, partly because there was nothing else on we wanted to see  and partly  we wanted to see who won. I normally detest  baseball because my abuser watched it.
Any way as I lay in the dark the vision became clearer and clearer  and I could "feel" him touching me again and me  screaming  " get away ,, no no" I fought the urge to  beat me breast again as I used to when these feelings hit. Instead I lay in the darkness asking God why I was having this  dream again, what  was the reason and would he just hold me and let me fall back into a peaceful sleep again. But sleep would not come easy until  finally I drifted into unknown  darkness.

I hope today is better. I know God has a plan, I just would like  for warning when these hit  so I can be ready ... lol

In my weakness – pt 2 ch 5

I am now working to  fill in the gaps from Ch 5 - 11.so you wont think you missed something- for you haven't here is where we catch up.  

 So many times through out my life I had wished my life was different and the events of my past were different, especially when I tried to use both hands and couldn't. Or the weakness of my right hand failed me and I dropped something or couldn't do something as well as someone else. It was embarrassing. Because not only was I molested as a child, I also have cerebral palsy from a beating I received as a baby. When I was made fun of growing up because of my disability, I so wished God would magically make my right hand like my left so I wouldn't be teased made fun of or singled out and picked on. All I wanted was to be like everyone else. But each time I looked in the mirror I saw that I wasn't.

Now that I am an adult and have a better perspective – sometimes – then I did as a child and am doing this study to help heal the brokenness, God led me to a scripture as he spoke to me. It was like my Father was speaking to me personally.

2 Corinthians 12:8-9

“ Three different times I begged you God to make me well again, Each time you said no. But I am with you. That is all you need. My power shows up best in weak people”

Although I asked more then three times over my life time, when I read the above scripture I stopped in my tracks. God was speaking right to me. How all these years I missed his answer to me I don't know. Clearly it wasn't my time to hear it because I wouldn't have understood it. But now what I have learned from this is that God wanted to work through me, It wasn't that God didn't want to heal me at all.

So now my thinking has shifted a little from heal me Father to use me to help others trust you Because its only through God that we are whole, Only God knows what we can handle because he created us, It is us that doubts what we can do, be and accomplish.

Because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

Philippians 4:13.

one step closer

Wow, it has been a while since I posted here - for that I am sorry I guess I  got lost in the  reading and healing  and occasionally  hiding.  But here I am emerging with the thoughts of  the last chapter.   Don't worry you wont miss  anything  be 5 and 11 because I will post my thoughts as I review my notes this weekend.

AS I finish reading this book it accord to me I am one step closer to finishing fully a study to my satisfaction – and I am NEVER EVER satisfied with a lot. But then no matter how many times I look over the book and study and re read learning what God wants and has in store for me will never end. I could add to what I have and see things I missed before and thats what getting to know who God is is all about and what my heart desires over everything in the world.

This is an accomplishment in itself - finishing something. Going from start to finish and finishing strong as I did, is one step closer to where I need to be. With my Father in Heaven. In Wendy's last chapter page 169 She makes the statement No drug no threrapy and no person regardless of how well trained or well intentioned can bring the full and complete healing that comes in the name of Jesus Christ.

I have tried several of these including other books that proclaim to help heal from the trauma of the not thinking I was I left Jesus out of my healing and as much as I hoped nothing seemed to work for long. But after starting this study and working through each chapter and talking with my sisters who were on this journey with me ,,, things began to change slowly. And things came to the surface that were well hidden. Now is the next step with Jesus at the center of everything.

I am looking forward to the next stage of my life and helping others along the same path I just came from. 

My next study  if you are interested in  following is on marriage and how I as a  Christian  wife  healing from abuse can be the wife God  had intended me to be   before I was even born. 

Ch 5 pt 1 Start over take me home Jesus

 In the first sentence of chapter 5  Wendy says what she desired most was a new beginning. As I look at this sentence again I  am taken back to a time in my childhood. A time of innocence I dreamed during a fire of someone else's home catching fire and my  daddy ( yes at 46 almost 47 I still refer to my dad as "daddy" ). Any way my daddy was going to help stop the fire  At some point it seemed like the fire was  going to take up  the whole town and the ONLY one my daddy could trust  was God. He lifted me up and placed me into God's hands asking Him to take care of me while he was fighting this fire. Now AS I reflect of this My daddy never came back signifying I am  still in God's hands.

How beautiful a memory is that?

It's often us that pulls away not God and it is up to us to  come back to Him. He is waiting with open arms to accept you into his protection again. Are you willing to go- I am. 

He has given each of us a new beginning and that  was Jesus Christ dieing on the cross to rescue us from the death  we would have suffered.

Thank you Jesus You are worthy of all the praise there is.

My stepping stones Ch 4 pt 3

Remembering that chapter in the previous post took me right back where I first told my mother about my grandfather and what he did to me. So many memories all swirling in my head. But as I think of them I remember times when God was apart of my memory during what I thought were odd times. He would show up in dreams or visions or through other people or even scriptures that I would read. Some how He would let me know I was never far from his thoughts. And as I look back I am comforted by it now.

In the last entry I said that “It was like God was in the background and because I was and am human I felt I had to do something to feel safe. But I also continued to wonder why this was happening to me. What had I done, and when would it end. Then during this study I came across Jeremiah 1 4-5
"The word of the LORD came to me, saying, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew (or chose)you,
before you were born I set you apart;  I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
The Amplified Bible (AMP) says
Then the word of the Lord came to me [Jeremiah], saying, Before I formed you in the womb I knew [and] approved of you [as My chosen instrument], and before you were born I separated and set you apart, consecrating you; [and] I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.

Then in Psalm 139:13-16 it says “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,
I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
OK so He set me apart, ordained my days, which means to make a person a Christian minister or priest by a special ceremony. And as a minister you must be taught.Right?

Then I wondered if my days were ordained, and he knew this was to happen, was I to use what happened to me as a teaching aide to show others what I had been through as I learned to trust and rely on my Father again?

Well at one point I did want to write my story to let others know they weren't alone. So is the fact that I'm now doing this study God's way of taking me to that next level not only for my healing but a way to equip me to help someone else- just like the little girl wanted to do way back when? I can live with that....

The Lord is My sheperd Ch 4 Pt 2

On page 53 Wendy says He continued to point me to to his word where I'd find my answers” Well I can relate to that because that has happened so many times in my life as well. Those times I strayed away from the comfort of his arms. Times when I took my healing and life into my own hands. And it was at those times I felt the most desperate and lonely. But it was also that time I needed to feel like I was taking charge of my life and doing something. It was like God was in the background and because I was and am human I felt I had to do something to feel safe. But a lot of those times all I felt was pain and isolation. Because I was new to my faith there was no one to guide teach or instruct me on how to be a new christian or what I should be feeling. There was no one there to help grow my faith. Those times at church when I was in 3^rd grade were fleeting and far between. It was as if those Sundays were just a recess' or breaks from the real life the life I could see, hear, feel. And what I was feeling I didn't like. But for some reason – a reason I did not fully know or understand why – my thoughts kept going back to the bible and His Word.

AS I continue in this study scriptures are being revealed to me that at the time I did not know about. Scripture that would help explain to me that I was thought about I was thought of and I was cared for and about- By God. My Heavenly Father. As I write this I suddenly remember only bits and pieces of my past and the one thing I remember is the 23^rd psalm. “The Lord is my shepherd.” Although I didn't understand the meaning of it, I worked heard at memorizing it . Especially the part about how even thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death” There were lots of shadows. And I clung to that chapter for some reason because it brought me comfort. Let me see if I can remember it.
“The Lord is my shepherd. I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths,bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid,for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life,and I will live in the house of the Lord forever. (NLT).
Pause, fade out in refection...........






Authors note
Since I read the Living Bible this (NLT) was the closest to what I had. And I'm sure its the newest version of the living bible. So thats why I wrote this version So now that I'm off track I'll end here and start a new post to continue.

No longer powerless- Ch 4 pt 1

 Isaiah 40:29 (NLT)

“He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.”

 

First I'm sorry its been a while since I posted anything here this study is hard at work healing as well as throwing monkey wrenches into the mix.. We are on Chapter 4 this week and are asked to answer the questions as well as take notes or high light anything that speaks to us. With some the whole chapter is high lighted for me since I am a perfectionist , I underline in pencil – in case I make a mistake – something I had feared all of my life-  and  still do because if I make a mistake I wont be loved, liked or considered important.  But on the flip side Mistakes did get you noticed. But then do you want to be remembered for some of the mistakes you did? I know I don't.

But it was the mistake that resulted in the evidence being lost in chapter 4 of Hj. Evidence that would put Wendy's rapist behind bars a mistake that would keep her wondering if she would ever find peace or be free again.

I'd like to think as a result of mistakes there have been some great inventions and changes that now help bring to justice those who have done such unspeakable crimes against the innocent.

But its in our powerlessness that God is waiting. To give us strength and courage to wake up one more day so we can step out into the world and hold our heads high knowing our avenger our protector is by our side. That one day we will be avenged with God's mighty sword.

For me feeling God's presence when I went through my abuse was hard because I was so busy moving and keeping busy that every time God zeroed in on me I moved. I covered up that small voice with a lot of loud sounds or action, because being still meant thinking about the present life I was living. The more I moved the more the thoughts of my present ( at that time) the actions of the abuser, and the continued memories could not narrow in and catch me. But in always moving and speaking and filling my head with noise to drown out the voices , memories and thoughts of abuse, I zoned out God's voice, strength and comfort.

The very thing I had longed for was right there all along, I just failed to see or hear it because I was too busy staying busy- afraid to be still and listen. All I can say now is Thank you Father for not giving up on your daughter,

 You didn't miss anything this morning  as I  was  having my morning coffee the above verses and post came to me and I  wanted to share them.   My thoughts on  chapter three  coming soon.

My Change of Heart - From Anger to Amazed

Chapter 3 notes from Wendy's book

Page 35

When Wendy talks about her wedding and how excited everyone was except her I felt her pain as she asked “ what kind of wife would she be, I asked those same questions when I first married. I was fresh out of my mothers home and into my boyfriends. It wasn't as if I really had a choice once my mother knew I was serious about this man she packed me and my things up and delivered me to his home- without so much as consulting him. It was time for someone else to “take care of me”.

I had no idea what being a wife entailed shoot it wasn't really even on my to do list. But apart of me wanted to find someone to take me away from my abusive life and calgon only did it for short amounts of time. When I found a man who I found interesting and we began talking my mother saw an opportunity to be free.

After I moved in we played house for a while and things progressed along and we were talking marriage. I had no clue how to be a wife- I knew how not to be one thanks to the example my mother was showing. All I knew was I wanted to be a better wife then she had been.

AS we talked about getting married we just wanted a small wedding no family no big affair , just him and I and the witnesses. But she wouldn't hear of it and began preparing our wedding which neither of us really had any say. AS the day approached she shuffled me around for dress buying accessories and shoes. It was tiring. Even though she threw me out she was still running my life- even into marriage. What ever happened to leave thy father and mother. I may have left her but she didn't leave me- period.

The more I read this chapter and remember my first wedding the more thoughts of my mother flooded my mind and this uncontrollable hate washed over me. It didn't help that I ran to her instead of to my husband but I wish she had said you are now married “I'm out of it” It may have stung but I would have had to rely on my husband and God.

Then I began praying that God would forgive me and those who hurt me and to take my anger away.

I was led to Matt 5:22.”I tell you ( Debi)if you are angry with your brother ( or mother, abuser) you will be subjected to judgment."

Then I remember a conversation I had with a friend about my mother years ago and how she will be punished for all she did to those she hurt. Ad that led me to A slue of other verses

Romans 12:17,19,21 "Never pay back evil with evil, Never take vengeance, leave that to the righteous anger of God, Don't let evil conquer you but conquer evil by doing good."

Deut 32:35  “It is mine to avenge I will pay them back in due time their feet will slip their day of disaster will arrive and their destiny will over take them".

Leviticus 19:18 "Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against a fellow Love your neighbor as yourself, I am the Lord."

As much as I wanted to “get her back”, God's Word was telling me not to that as my Heavenly Father He would take care of it. I was to stay focused on Him and his laws for me. Because keeping my eyes on him would keep me from dwelling on things of my past – which I am not to do. In Isaiah 43 18-19 NLT says 18 “But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.19 For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? “

As I read this its as if I can see how excited my Father is to show this good thing to me. He doesn't want me to miss it by dwelling on my past because I have been hurt by it enough.

All I can do is marvel and praise God that he has taken my anger and replaced it with wonder and amazement at what he wants to do for me. If I will just let him.

Thank you Jesus.

Just as I am. Ch 2 HJ- part one

As I read the book I can see why we are going slow and although I am posting my answers and feelings doing so once maybe twice a week may be all I can do. I know over the weekend I will need to fill in my journal with what I have written on line, sometimes its easier to type my answers then write them out. Not sure why, But any way here we go with Chapter two.

As Wendy talks about making sure she was never alone – I remember back when I was in high school some how I found a babysitting job. And for the life of me I don't remember how I found it. It was “just there” But as I study God's Word I read in Romans 8:28 NLT “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”

Out of my abuse came this job and my love for kids began to grow, but the reason I started babysitting was to keep from being alone for as long as possible. I had tried my hand at babysitting before this time this job seemed to open up a passion for me like none other- my love for children and learning.-Them learning me teaching.

Not only did my Father provide a job which allowed a break between times I was abused but it provided me with weekly spending money and weekends with this family. I would get to spend the night at their – my boss and her daughters house I treasured that time be cause it was time I could be me- just me- without worry or fear, and I had fun. God did not cause the abuse but He did provide brief chunks of time I did not have to think about the abuse and could just be a kid and have fun. AS I look back now I can see my Fathers loving hand and spirit working in my life. He was there- He was there.

AS I continue reading Ch 2 the scripture in Psalms 139 verses1-5 and 11-16 really spoke to me in a new way. I mean I have read them before but this time they caught me off guard and touched me. AS I was writing these in my journal I began to think how wonderful it is that there was someone who knows me so deeply with all my flaws and all and accepts me just as I am, is unbelievable and awesome! I don’t have to pretend and be someone I’m not. that’s so hard to do. But here is someone I don’t and cant hide anything from. God is my best accountability partner because he KNOWS me and accepts me and loves me just as I am. I don't have to pretend or act a certain way I can be me. just reading the words and running my fingers over the wording makes it so real, special and awe inspiring. With my Father I can be just who he created me to be. His daughter whom He loves deeply and passionately.

HJ My faith is growing

Questions for Ch 1

Out of all the questions question three was the one that really stood out to me. It asked If you chose C or D has the hurt or pain that I suffered affected my faith? Has it made me question Gods love, His goodness, or the truth of the bible? Then it asks you to explain.

I chose C from question 2 - which says “I have some faith and it is growing” Based on that Here is my answer-

“When the abuse first started I didn't know God or Jesus so at first I felt alone, lost, and very hopeless. But in 3^rd grade I was introduced to Jesus and began learning I was loved and truly wasn't alone. John 3:16 said so “For God so loved the world- and that included me- He gave up his only begotten Son that I would not parish but have eternal life”. I also began learning the 10 commandments and before long they would come into play when I was sexually abused for the second time in my young life. I knew enough to know lying to God was wrong but also knew I had to obey my parents. I just hoped God would forgive me not for “enticing a 65 yr old man at 7 “ but because I was lying to Him about it

Seeing My Fears - Ch 1 HJ ....Continued

Before I can even answer the questions  for  Ch 1, I continue to read and re read chapter one and as I do more and more things come to the surface. It was her statement on page 15 when she said “ In that moment everything within me died” that got me-I was immediately taken back to the moment everything in me died. I was standing by the fridge and saw his  (the abusers) shadow At that moment,I froze, then he touched me and led me away to where he again began to molest me. When he was done I rolled over and just cried and I gave up and did not want to live anymore. At that moment the dreams of a little girl died.

But it was what she said on page 18 that struck a cord when she said she had nightmares and flashbacks and even re runs of her past, I knew I wasn't alone. Someone else gave me not so much hope but a confirmation that I really wasn't alone when I had or told someone of my own nightmares and flashbacks. Someone else had had them as well. mine happen still when my husband and I are intimate. I have searched scripture and know that God ordained marriage and sex in marriage was good. But the flashbacks dreams re runs and nightmares said different.

As I reflected on this part of her story, I realized how afraid I too was of the dark,being alone at night  or of men I did not know not to mention even those who look like the man that abused me. (ones even a football coach) and I love football.  Any way I realized that those things I was afraid of was keeping me trapped and bound in the past.And if I am stuck in the past I can not move forward to the wonderful things the Lord has in store for me. 

Look what happened to lots wife when she looks back - shes turned into a pillar of salt. I don't know about you,  but I'm not all that big on salt. And then in Philippians 3:13 we are told  to forget our past and look forward to what lies ahead"

As of right now that is something I will be focusing on and talking to Jesus about.

Now to the reflection questions....

reflecting back ( ch 1 HJ)

This month I am stepping out of the shadows of abuse as I embark on this journey to heal from the abuse I suffered as a child. As I read this it sounds like I am going on a Voyage around the world. But in reality I am. Sorta, As I travel on this journey, I will encounter many ups and downs and rocky seas But I have the Word of God as my foundation. I will encounter turbulent winds to try and knock me down. But I have the strength of Jesus to keep me upright. And I will have flashbacks and dreams to weaken me But Jesus' strength will keep me strong.

The next part of our first assignment we are to read Chapter one of Hidden Joy and make notes highlight and write out scripture we want to remember. Here are my thoughts on what I've read so far,

Chapter one-

On page 18 where Wendy says she wanted to start the day over – I know what she was feeling, there are times when I think back to when the events that changed my life forever happened and wanted to do it again, start over and act different or say something more to more people til someone listened AND DID SOMETHING to stop it.

Between this incident and third grade God was not in my life- consciously any way. Then in third grade he became conscious at least to the point of my knowing facts – like the 10 commandments. But having Jesus in my life daily had not occurred yet. Just enough to know when my mom told me to get on my knees and pray for forgiveness I couldn't do it because that would be lying, but I also had to obey my parents ( even though she was wrong). Talk about conflicting for a child. So I just prayed what she wanted and secretly asked God to forgive me but that he knew what really happened and it wasn't my fault as she had said it was.

Reflections from page 19

Hi school-related

My dreams began shattering in High school, when nothing I said or did mattered. I felt like a walking zombie – just there for the abusers pleasure. AS I saw his shadow that day in the kitchen my spirit,and soul collapsed. If I could have my physical body would have collapsed as well.

AS I think back sometimes I remember saying God must have created me to accomplish something great for him or I would have died when I was abused and beaten. So I think unconsciously I began seeking strength from Him, and He gave it to me as each day dawned. Because I was able to make it second by second minute by minute I thank my heavenly Father.

Chapter two- my first look back

 AS I grew up my mom  had very little interest in my care and I felt like I was all alone. Crying out for someone to help me but I have been unsuccessful until now. For so long the events of my past haunted
me at the most worst times. Now I have a chance to heal and put my past to rest once in for all. AS I step out of the shadows and into Gods healing light

The first assignment was to write a prayer to God as we begin this journey through this study. 

our journey begins the scripture is Psalms 84 :6 “When they walk through the Valley of weeping it will become a place of springs where pools of blessing and refreshment collect after rains.”

AS I reflect on that I feel my “valley of weeping “ began 1^st when I was first molested when I was beat as a baby, and has been weeping since. The next time it wept was when I was touched by a family member and my mother didn't believe me leaving me to stand alone in the dark. (literally first dark corner)

Then when she asks in “Our Journey begins” have you asked how can I survive another day – I had to stop and reflect- because there were two days specifically that question came to mind. one day when I was in 2^nd or third grade as an innocent child looking and trusting that my mother who was supposed to protect me failed me. My Trust was shattered and I learned I was all alone here.

I had not been introduced to Jesus yet. I was just a little girl looking for protection. And got none.

Melissa's Assignment-

What do you hope to gain through this study? A better understanding of Who God is and where he was during my abuse and how to ask for his help and healing.

What are your doubts about going through this study? 

My doubts are maybe there was nothing I could have done different. 

 Fear? That nothing will change

And my prayer to my Father.

Father God, through this study, I would like to come closer to you then ever before and know and realize that back then when I was a child, I wasn't alone. you were there with me even though I didnt know you then you knew me and longed to be with me. You felt each hit each injustice that was done to me and against me. I felt so alone I wish you could have reached out and held me physically to let me know I wasn't as alone as I felt or better yet taken me back home to be protected and loved again. I'm glad I didn't know you back then to hate you. I am glad I know you now and that you are in my life. Please be with me ( and others) as I walk this path again, this time coming out of the other side healed and victorious in your presence and love. As I write this my heart hurts again like it did then when it happened. But I'm afraid to cry because I fear I wont be able to stop again. Please Father comfort me as I learn from this study how much you love me and want to heal me from these wounds that are still apart of me. Amen

Chapter one- where it all began- part two

 I was rushed to the hospital where they immediately began to work on me while someone tried to reach my parents who were at work. According to my mom she and my daddy ran across a very large parting lot to get to their car. In Vegas working at a casino this was not unusual.

According to my mom, at some point her legs grew tired causing my daddy to carry her the rest of the way to the car which was in a parking lot a ways from the building. Now this is fishy because if the hospital called they would have given my parents directions if they had asked. Right? That's what I thought. However again according to my mother because they didn’t know where I had been taken to they drove around frantically hoping a cop would stop them so they could ask directions. But no such luck, so they went to the closest hospital to the house and it was there they found their little baby girl. Finally they reached the hospital,

As time passed the police were called and everyone was questioned including the babysitter. She had as many different answers as did my mom. But at least her answers were different. When asked she said Maybe I fell out of the window or off the back of the couch or...”

But my parents didn’t buy her story anymore then the police did. Suddenly the tension was broken when the Dr came back out to update my parents and the police of my condition. My parents didn’t care how I looked all they wanted to see their baby girl.

However once they stepped in the room I was in, the severity of my condition didn’t hit until they saw me. On first glance my mom’s breath caught trying to escape her parted lips. All she could do is look at the tiny lifeless baby that laid there helpless and unmoving. The right side was drawn up tight to the body while the left side twitched uncontrollably. There were tubes hooked to my body monitoring every movement, every action. My parents wanted to move closer but their feet were glued to the floor.

“ We don't know the extent of her injuries yet, but from what we can tell so far, she only has the use of one side of her body, If she does come out of it she will be a vegetable for the rest of her life- for those that know me some vegetable huh?

The Dr. quietly suggested that they ended my suffering but they couldn’t. How could they pull the plug. This was their precious baby girl. Their breath, their, life their reason for living. How could they end it. Were my moms words as guilt probably began to over take her.

 
 My guess, she didn’t want me to survive because I was my daddy’s pride and joy. If he ever cared for or about anything or anyone it was me. This was one of the many stories and facts my mom repeated to me over and over. Never letting me forget it. Now that that life was slowly dying , he would have to turn to her for comfort, which was something she wanted all along.”

Chapter one- where it all began- part one

"It all started a year after I was born". "In January of 1967 to be exact. That's supposedly when I was beaten with a baseball bat. .... Well there's no supposedly about it that did happen. Anyone who doubts that just has to look at the base of my skull to see the holes where they drilled to drain the blood that was collecting so my brain would stop swelling. The part that is unknown and needs to be proven is who in the heck did it. And why? What in the world did a 1 1/2 year old baby do to warrant this treatment? To this day I still do not know, and before you say anything I did ask and got FIVE different stories, all by the same person, my mom. She worked hard at covering up her inadequacies as a mom. But don't take my word for it you decide.

The first time I asked I was probably in kindergarten or first grade. A bunch of kids I rode the bus with asked why I had yet another cast on my right leg. I told them I didn't know and went home to ask. I was told the "real" story would be too hard for them to understand so just tell them I was in an auto accident" my mother said trying to avoid the entire conversation "well what is the real story?" I asked

"You umm, fell off the couch during nap time." She said not really paying attention as i went back to playing. But when she wasn't looking I tried it and all I got was a headache. So far that’s two different stories to the same question. Ready for three? Years had passed before I asked again and got yet another story. are ya sitting down- The babysitter did it this time. She beat with me with a baseball bat because I was crying....

And last but certainly not least I was beaten with a baseball bat by the baby sitter because I wouldn’t eat my vegetables.

(kind of sounds like a clue game scenario huh?)

It gets better ….. stay tune for part two

My reason for sharing with you

Introduction

Hi my name is Debra and I want to thank you for choosing to read my blog even after the warning.  Although the entries are not graphic they are of an adult nature. It is estimated that there are over a  million reported cases of child abuse every year. Sadly I was one of those cases, however I was one of those who were not reported. The more I looked at  the statistics  the more  I wondered how many cases of abuse like mine there were that aren't reported, leaving the child in question to suffer alone with no one to help? 


That is one reason I am writing this blog.  So those who read this and feel alone like I did, know they are not alone. Even though I am not in the same room I am with you mentally I know your pain and fear. I know how alone you must feel. I was there.  And if you find my page  and wish to comment you may do so anonymously.I will hear you.  Before you think this story isn't for you it is for anyone who has suffered abuse of any kind or for those you know who have suffered abuse- as you read  future entries  you will see the types of abuse I suffered from and am recovering from.

 If you have been here before I rearranged my entries because I am starting a bible study called  Hidden Joy in a dark corner by Wendy Blight. My story will be woven through the entries from this study. I hope you follow me as I emerge victorious on the other side of my  wilderness.