Sunday, July 28, 2013

Big news

Hey everyone! Sorry I've been missing. Please let me explain. I have been working on getting my story out and written.  It should be out by the end of summer. Have been working on it this summer, so I want board between semesters in school.  Am looking at several ways to get this into print, and e-book looks like the simplest way to go

I have looked at several options one of which is Kindle books. I thought  since I get my books there might  look into putting one myself on there.

The title is called " He Healed Me" by chipping away at the exterior. I will keep you all  updated if you are all interested in getting a copy.


Monday, April 22, 2013

Been away

I'm sorry, I had to step away for a bit. Sometimes when  doing a bible study on abuse things come up you just weren't ready for and you have to pause. That's what happened to me. But I'm back. I may start from where I ended and continue to post continuing where I left off, but personally I may start the study over again. As that's what I do when I hit bumps in the road; back up and run toward it picking up speed in order to get over  what ever is in my way instead of letting it win.

I have gone back to school and that is what's unfortunately taking a lot of my time. But there are those rare moments I can sit back and enjoy a study of my choosing and this study Hidden Joy" has revealed a lot of dark corners I want brought to the light and handed up  to God who is the only one who can take care of them. Now although this post isn't  on abuse specifically it does  deal with things that stop us and keep up stuck. Often times without out us seeing it.

I am working on an essay for class entitled " A Woman's Place" which is based on scripture - well I'm trying to do that any way, when its complete I will let ya know.

I guess I just needed to touch base and let y'all know I'm still here

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Hidden Joy bible study week one

Welcome to my home away from home. This past week 4-9-12 we began a new study of Hidden Joy  offered by Wendy Blight the author of the book. This week we were to read chapters 1 and 2 and answer the questions. Now if you look at previous posts you will see I had attempted to do this study before. however i didn't get all I needed out of it so I decided to did it again, this time giving my full attention to the lessons I will be doing. To begin with I reflected back to the other entries and may share with you past and present of what I discovered on my journey.

Looking back there are several places I said I was sorry that I hadn't posted and although I am, it was just interesting to see just how many times I thought I had to say “sorry” Maybe that was apart of my thinking back then. Because growing up and even during the first studying of this book thats where I was. In a state of being and feeling sorry. Mostly for myself. But now a year later, after reading these posts again, I can see places where I had grown. And I will share those with you when we get to those chapters – kinda a then and now reflection. But for now since it's the first week, we will begin on Ch 1-2. Are ya ready- here we go. Round two....

April 9th 2012

Chapter 1 Notes from Wendy's book.

From page 15

In those moments everything died” was the first sentence that caught my eye because years into my abuse I experienced that exact same feeling. Although, It may have even started when I was younger and was molested by my grandfather. I was just too young to notice And when I told my mom she didn't believe me instead she left me alone in the dark crying for comfort and protection I never got. But that day as I was standing by the fridge years later feeling his hand on my shoulder I was more aware of what was happening to me .At that moment I was fully aware that nothing I would ever do would matter. And I wanted to die.

Also on page 15 where Wendy said:“I knew now there was no escape.” This realization came to me when I was first touched by my stepfather. That day he led me to the bed . No matter how hard I fought and struggled to get up he was just too strong. He would not let me up.

In those moments although lasting only minutes seemed like hours. And to have to lay there without escape I felt defeated and degraded. It was at that moment I stopped being a little girl. Only I didn't know it yet. I still had some fight in me. I had yet to discover the bible or its teachings and promises from God. I had yet to read “Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.” (1 John 4:4 – KJV)”

My living bible says it like this “ Dear young friends , you belong to God and have ALREADY won your fight with those who are against Christ, because there is someone in your hearts who is STRONGER then the evil teacher in this wicked world.” (emphasis mine)

So even though I was still physically going thru the abuse – I had already won and had been delivered from the fight I was now engaged in. Those who were against Christ was the abusers in my life trying to teach me I was not valued loved cherished or important! But the bible says I am, was and always will be!

AS I continued reading, some of Wendy's questions were also mine, “ Why me and what did I do were two of my most asked questions. Whether they were just out loud to myself or to “someone out there” I couldn't be sure.  And I may never know this side of heaven.

These were the two things that stood out to me the most. Stay tuned for more. Reflection questions to ch 1 are next.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Flash backs

 1st  boy do I have a lot of catching up on this blog to do  when it comes to the  Hidden Joy Bible study. There is a lot more then the 5 chapters,I have here. But I will get  to them because I have been thinking of finishing what I had learned..  Last night however  I bolted straight up out of a sound sleep. When I looked at the clock it was 12 :52. I have no idea what  caused the  night mare  and believe me it was a  night mare. I haven't had a night mare , flash back of bad thought about my abuse  for a while, so when this one hit I was knocked off  guard. The only thing it may have been was  that I watched the last 2 days of the world series, partly because there was nothing else on we wanted to see  and partly  we wanted to see who won. I normally detest  baseball because my abuser watched it.
Any way as I lay in the dark the vision became clearer and clearer  and I could "feel" him touching me again and me  screaming  " get away ,, no no" I fought the urge to  beat me breast again as I used to when these feelings hit. Instead I lay in the darkness asking God why I was having this  dream again, what  was the reason and would he just hold me and let me fall back into a peaceful sleep again. But sleep would not come easy until  finally I drifted into unknown  darkness.

I hope today is better. I know God has a plan, I just would like  for warning when these hit  so I can be ready ... lol

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

In my weakness – pt 2 ch 5

I am now working to  fill in the gaps from Ch 5 - you wont think you missed something- for you haven't here is where we catch up.  

 So many times through out my life I had wished my life was different and the events of my past were different, especially when I tried to use both hands and couldn't. Or the weakness of my right hand failed me and I dropped something or couldn't do something as well as someone else. It was embarrassing. Because not only was I molested as a child, I also have cerebral palsy from a beating I received as a baby. When I was made fun of growing up because of my disability, I so wished God would magically make my right hand like my left so I wouldn't be teased made fun of or singled out and picked on. All I wanted was to be like everyone else. But each time I looked in the mirror I saw that I wasn't.

Now that I am an adult and have a better perspective – sometimes – then I did as a child and am doing this study to help heal the brokenness, God led me to a scripture as he spoke to me. It was like my Father was speaking to me personally.

2 Corinthians 12:8-9
“ Three different times I begged you God to make me well again, Each time you said no. But I am with you. That is all you need. My power shows up best in weak people”

Although I asked more then three times over my life time, when I read the above scripture I stopped in my tracks. God was speaking right to me. How all these years I missed his answer to me I don't know. Clearly it wasn't my time to hear it because I wouldn't have understood it. But now what I have learned from this is that God wanted to work through me, It wasn't that God didn't want to heal me at all.

So now my thinking has shifted a little from heal me Father to use me to help others trust you Because its only through God that we are whole, Only God knows what we can handle because he created us, It is us that doubts what we can do, be and accomplish.

Because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

Philippians 4:13.

Friday, August 5, 2011

one step closer

Wow, it has been a while since I posted here - for that I am sorry I guess I  got lost in the  reading and healing  and occasionally  hiding.  But here I am emerging with the thoughts of  the last chapter.   Don't worry you wont miss  anything  be 5 and 11 because I will post my thoughts as I review my notes this weekend.

AS I finish reading this book it accord to me I am one step closer to finishing fully a study to my satisfaction – and I am NEVER EVER satisfied with a lot. But then no matter how many times I look over the book and study and re read learning what God wants and has in store for me will never end. I could add to what I have and see things I missed before and thats what getting to know who God is is all about and what my heart desires over everything in the world.

This is an accomplishment in itself - finishing something. Going from start to finish and finishing strong as I did, is one step closer to where I need to be. With my Father in Heaven. In Wendy's last chapter page 169 She makes the statement No drug no threrapy and no person regardless of how well trained or well intentioned can bring the full and complete healing that comes in the name of Jesus Christ.

I have tried several of these including other books that proclaim to help heal from the trauma of the not thinking I was I left Jesus out of my healing and as much as I hoped nothing seemed to work for long. But after starting this study and working through each chapter and talking with my sisters who were on this journey with me ,,, things began to change slowly. And things came to the surface that were well hidden. Now is the next step with Jesus at the center of everything.

I am looking forward to the next stage of my life and helping others along the same path I just came from. 

My next study  if you are interested in  following is on marriage and how I as a  Christian  wife  healing from abuse can be the wife God  had intended me to be   before I was even born. 

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Ch 5 pt 1 Start over take me home Jesus

 In the first sentence of chapter 5  Wendy says what she desired most was a new beginning. As I look at this sentence again I  am taken back to a time in my childhood. A time of innocence I dreamed during a fire of someone else's home catching fire and my  daddy ( yes at 46 almost 47 I still refer to my dad as "daddy" ). Any way my daddy was going to help stop the fire  At some point it seemed like the fire was  going to take up  the whole town and the ONLY one my daddy could trust  was God. He lifted me up and placed me into God's hands asking Him to take care of me while he was fighting this fire. Now AS I reflect of this My daddy never came back signifying I am  still in God's hands.

How beautiful a memory is that?

It's often us that pulls away not God and it is up to us to  come back to Him. He is waiting with open arms to accept you into his protection again. Are you willing to go- I am. 

He has given each of us a new beginning and that  was Jesus Christ dieing on the cross to rescue us from the death  we would have suffered.

Thank you Jesus You are worthy of all the praise there is.