My Change of Heart - From Anger to Amazed

Chapter 3 notes from Wendy's book

Page 35

When Wendy talks about her wedding and how excited everyone was except her I felt her pain as she asked “ what kind of wife would she be, I asked those same questions when I first married. I was fresh out of my mothers home and into my boyfriends. It wasn't as if I really had a choice once my mother knew I was serious about this man she packed me and my things up and delivered me to his home- without so much as consulting him. It was time for someone else to “take care of me”.

I had no idea what being a wife entailed shoot it wasn't really even on my to do list. But apart of me wanted to find someone to take me away from my abusive life and calgon only did it for short amounts of time. When I found a man who I found interesting and we began talking my mother saw an opportunity to be free.

After I moved in we played house for a while and things progressed along and we were talking marriage. I had no clue how to be a wife- I knew how not to be one thanks to the example my mother was showing. All I knew was I wanted to be a better wife then she had been.

AS we talked about getting married we just wanted a small wedding no family no big affair , just him and I and the witnesses. But she wouldn't hear of it and began preparing our wedding which neither of us really had any say. AS the day approached she shuffled me around for dress buying accessories and shoes. It was tiring. Even though she threw me out she was still running my life- even into marriage. What ever happened to leave thy father and mother. I may have left her but she didn't leave me- period.

The more I read this chapter and remember my first wedding the more thoughts of my mother flooded my mind and this uncontrollable hate washed over me. It didn't help that I ran to her instead of to my husband but I wish she had said you are now married “I'm out of it” It may have stung but I would have had to rely on my husband and God.

Then I began praying that God would forgive me and those who hurt me and to take my anger away.

I was led to Matt 5:22.”I tell you ( Debi)if you are angry with your brother ( or mother, abuser) you will be subjected to judgment."

Then I remember a conversation I had with a friend about my mother years ago and how she will be punished for all she did to those she hurt. Ad that led me to A slue of other verses

Romans 12:17,19,21 "Never pay back evil with evil, Never take vengeance, leave that to the righteous anger of God, Don't let evil conquer you but conquer evil by doing good."

Deut 32:35  “It is mine to avenge I will pay them back in due time their feet will slip their day of disaster will arrive and their destiny will over take them".

Leviticus 19:18 "Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against a fellow Love your neighbor as yourself, I am the Lord."

As much as I wanted to “get her back”, God's Word was telling me not to that as my Heavenly Father He would take care of it. I was to stay focused on Him and his laws for me. Because keeping my eyes on him would keep me from dwelling on things of my past – which I am not to do. In Isaiah 43 18-19 NLT says 18 “But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.19 For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? “

As I read this its as if I can see how excited my Father is to show this good thing to me. He doesn't want me to miss it by dwelling on my past because I have been hurt by it enough.

All I can do is marvel and praise God that he has taken my anger and replaced it with wonder and amazement at what he wants to do for me. If I will just let him.

Thank you Jesus.