No longer powerless- Ch 4 pt 1

 Isaiah 40:29 (NLT)

“He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.”

 

First I'm sorry its been a while since I posted anything here this study is hard at work healing as well as throwing monkey wrenches into the mix.. We are on Chapter 4 this week and are asked to answer the questions as well as take notes or high light anything that speaks to us. With some the whole chapter is high lighted for me since I am a perfectionist , I underline in pencil – in case I make a mistake – something I had feared all of my life-  and  still do because if I make a mistake I wont be loved, liked or considered important.  But on the flip side Mistakes did get you noticed. But then do you want to be remembered for some of the mistakes you did? I know I don't.

But it was the mistake that resulted in the evidence being lost in chapter 4 of Hj. Evidence that would put Wendy's rapist behind bars a mistake that would keep her wondering if she would ever find peace or be free again.

I'd like to think as a result of mistakes there have been some great inventions and changes that now help bring to justice those who have done such unspeakable crimes against the innocent.

But its in our powerlessness that God is waiting. To give us strength and courage to wake up one more day so we can step out into the world and hold our heads high knowing our avenger our protector is by our side. That one day we will be avenged with God's mighty sword.

For me feeling God's presence when I went through my abuse was hard because I was so busy moving and keeping busy that every time God zeroed in on me I moved. I covered up that small voice with a lot of loud sounds or action, because being still meant thinking about the present life I was living. The more I moved the more the thoughts of my present ( at that time) the actions of the abuser, and the continued memories could not narrow in and catch me. But in always moving and speaking and filling my head with noise to drown out the voices , memories and thoughts of abuse, I zoned out God's voice, strength and comfort.

The very thing I had longed for was right there all along, I just failed to see or hear it because I was too busy staying busy- afraid to be still and listen. All I can say now is Thank you Father for not giving up on your daughter,

 You didn't miss anything this morning  as I  was  having my morning coffee the above verses and post came to me and I  wanted to share them.   My thoughts on  chapter three  coming soon.

My Change of Heart - From Anger to Amazed

Chapter 3 notes from Wendy's book

Page 35

When Wendy talks about her wedding and how excited everyone was except her I felt her pain as she asked “ what kind of wife would she be, I asked those same questions when I first married. I was fresh out of my mothers home and into my boyfriends. It wasn't as if I really had a choice once my mother knew I was serious about this man she packed me and my things up and delivered me to his home- without so much as consulting him. It was time for someone else to “take care of me”.

I had no idea what being a wife entailed shoot it wasn't really even on my to do list. But apart of me wanted to find someone to take me away from my abusive life and calgon only did it for short amounts of time. When I found a man who I found interesting and we began talking my mother saw an opportunity to be free.

After I moved in we played house for a while and things progressed along and we were talking marriage. I had no clue how to be a wife- I knew how not to be one thanks to the example my mother was showing. All I knew was I wanted to be a better wife then she had been.

AS we talked about getting married we just wanted a small wedding no family no big affair , just him and I and the witnesses. But she wouldn't hear of it and began preparing our wedding which neither of us really had any say. AS the day approached she shuffled me around for dress buying accessories and shoes. It was tiring. Even though she threw me out she was still running my life- even into marriage. What ever happened to leave thy father and mother. I may have left her but she didn't leave me- period.

The more I read this chapter and remember my first wedding the more thoughts of my mother flooded my mind and this uncontrollable hate washed over me. It didn't help that I ran to her instead of to my husband but I wish she had said you are now married “I'm out of it” It may have stung but I would have had to rely on my husband and God.

Then I began praying that God would forgive me and those who hurt me and to take my anger away.

I was led to Matt 5:22.”I tell you ( Debi)if you are angry with your brother ( or mother, abuser) you will be subjected to judgment."

Then I remember a conversation I had with a friend about my mother years ago and how she will be punished for all she did to those she hurt. Ad that led me to A slue of other verses

Romans 12:17,19,21 "Never pay back evil with evil, Never take vengeance, leave that to the righteous anger of God, Don't let evil conquer you but conquer evil by doing good."

Deut 32:35  “It is mine to avenge I will pay them back in due time their feet will slip their day of disaster will arrive and their destiny will over take them".

Leviticus 19:18 "Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against a fellow Love your neighbor as yourself, I am the Lord."

As much as I wanted to “get her back”, God's Word was telling me not to that as my Heavenly Father He would take care of it. I was to stay focused on Him and his laws for me. Because keeping my eyes on him would keep me from dwelling on things of my past – which I am not to do. In Isaiah 43 18-19 NLT says 18 “But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.19 For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? “

As I read this its as if I can see how excited my Father is to show this good thing to me. He doesn't want me to miss it by dwelling on my past because I have been hurt by it enough.

All I can do is marvel and praise God that he has taken my anger and replaced it with wonder and amazement at what he wants to do for me. If I will just let him.

Thank you Jesus.

Just as I am. Ch 2 HJ- part one

As I read the book I can see why we are going slow and although I am posting my answers and feelings doing so once maybe twice a week may be all I can do. I know over the weekend I will need to fill in my journal with what I have written on line, sometimes its easier to type my answers then write them out. Not sure why, But any way here we go with Chapter two.

As Wendy talks about making sure she was never alone – I remember back when I was in high school some how I found a babysitting job. And for the life of me I don't remember how I found it. It was “just there” But as I study God's Word I read in Romans 8:28 NLT “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”

Out of my abuse came this job and my love for kids began to grow, but the reason I started babysitting was to keep from being alone for as long as possible. I had tried my hand at babysitting before this time this job seemed to open up a passion for me like none other- my love for children and learning.-Them learning me teaching.

Not only did my Father provide a job which allowed a break between times I was abused but it provided me with weekly spending money and weekends with this family. I would get to spend the night at their – my boss and her daughters house I treasured that time be cause it was time I could be me- just me- without worry or fear, and I had fun. God did not cause the abuse but He did provide brief chunks of time I did not have to think about the abuse and could just be a kid and have fun. AS I look back now I can see my Fathers loving hand and spirit working in my life. He was there- He was there.

AS I continue reading Ch 2 the scripture in Psalms 139 verses1-5 and 11-16 really spoke to me in a new way. I mean I have read them before but this time they caught me off guard and touched me. AS I was writing these in my journal I began to think how wonderful it is that there was someone who knows me so deeply with all my flaws and all and accepts me just as I am, is unbelievable and awesome! I don’t have to pretend and be someone I’m not. that’s so hard to do. But here is someone I don’t and cant hide anything from. God is my best accountability partner because he KNOWS me and accepts me and loves me just as I am. I don't have to pretend or act a certain way I can be me. just reading the words and running my fingers over the wording makes it so real, special and awe inspiring. With my Father I can be just who he created me to be. His daughter whom He loves deeply and passionately.

HJ My faith is growing

Questions for Ch 1

Out of all the questions question three was the one that really stood out to me. It asked If you chose C or D has the hurt or pain that I suffered affected my faith? Has it made me question Gods love, His goodness, or the truth of the bible? Then it asks you to explain.

I chose C from question 2 - which says “I have some faith and it is growing” Based on that Here is my answer-

“When the abuse first started I didn't know God or Jesus so at first I felt alone, lost, and very hopeless. But in 3^rd grade I was introduced to Jesus and began learning I was loved and truly wasn't alone. John 3:16 said so “For God so loved the world- and that included me- He gave up his only begotten Son that I would not parish but have eternal life”. I also began learning the 10 commandments and before long they would come into play when I was sexually abused for the second time in my young life. I knew enough to know lying to God was wrong but also knew I had to obey my parents. I just hoped God would forgive me not for “enticing a 65 yr old man at 7 “ but because I was lying to Him about it

Seeing My Fears - Ch 1 HJ ....Continued

Before I can even answer the questions  for  Ch 1, I continue to read and re read chapter one and as I do more and more things come to the surface. It was her statement on page 15 when she said “ In that moment everything within me died” that got me-I was immediately taken back to the moment everything in me died. I was standing by the fridge and saw his  (the abusers) shadow At that moment,I froze, then he touched me and led me away to where he again began to molest me. When he was done I rolled over and just cried and I gave up and did not want to live anymore. At that moment the dreams of a little girl died.

But it was what she said on page 18 that struck a cord when she said she had nightmares and flashbacks and even re runs of her past, I knew I wasn't alone. Someone else gave me not so much hope but a confirmation that I really wasn't alone when I had or told someone of my own nightmares and flashbacks. Someone else had had them as well. mine happen still when my husband and I are intimate. I have searched scripture and know that God ordained marriage and sex in marriage was good. But the flashbacks dreams re runs and nightmares said different.

As I reflected on this part of her story, I realized how afraid I too was of the dark,being alone at night  or of men I did not know not to mention even those who look like the man that abused me. (ones even a football coach) and I love football.  Any way I realized that those things I was afraid of was keeping me trapped and bound in the past.And if I am stuck in the past I can not move forward to the wonderful things the Lord has in store for me. 

Look what happened to lots wife when she looks back - shes turned into a pillar of salt. I don't know about you,  but I'm not all that big on salt. And then in Philippians 3:13 we are told  to forget our past and look forward to what lies ahead"

As of right now that is something I will be focusing on and talking to Jesus about.

Now to the reflection questions....